 Even the most spirit-filled among us eventually get a little worn down in December: holiday parties, shopping for gifts, relentless Christmas music and saccharine declarations of “peace, love and joy.” No matter what your religious or celebratory affiliations are, December is tough. It often leaves people feeling worn out, a little jaded and sometimes depressed. Here are some thoughts about making it through the month without all the baggage…and perhaps a little more joy than last year.
Menorahs. Dating back to the time of Moses, I see the Menorah and the lighting of the candles not only a rich part of Jewish culture and heritage, but also as a symbol and act of experiencing our history in the moment. The holidays are full of traditions and symbols that, quite frankly, don’t make any sense in 2018…but we do them anyway. Our traditions—especially in December—connect us to our past and act as a bridge to future generations. Whether it is attending Midnight Mass, baking grandma’s famous cookies or watching It’s a Beautiful Life, try reconnecting to the traditions that mean something to you and your family. Amazon. Christmas is commercial. We need to get over it because it’s not changing. Personally, I make a conscious choice not to do any non-essential shopping until after Thanksgiving because the “Christmas creep” totally ruins the season for me. I am not going to suggest that you hand-make all of your holiday gifts and wrap them in newspaper—if you love shopping have at it! Just make sure that when you’re shopping it’s with intention. If you can’t find that “perfect” gift for cousin Norbert, then maybe you need to rethink giving him a gift. My take on shopping in December is this: no one is forcing you to shop and consume...step back and think before you swipe (or insert or tap…or whatever we are doing these days). *For my most cherished gift, see below Plastic baby Jesus. I’m not a “kid person.” I mean in theory they’re cute but I really didn’t grow up around other kids and we don’t have friends with kids. Kids to me are like tree sloths: cute in pictures, rare in everyday life and a little bit scary once you encounter one that’s hungry or tired. But no matter how foreign they are to me and how awkward I feel when a baby laughs at me while in line at the grocery, it’s really hard to not to smile at them. Whatever your thoughts on religion and especially “the Church,” I encourage you to keep in mind that most people aren’t trying to convert you when they say “Merry Christmas”; they simply are trying to be nice with a seasonal greeting. And to those who get their knickers in a twist with “Happy Holidays”; stop, just stop...you’re acting like an old man who scowls at a happy baby. * My most cherished gift (sorry mom!) was a used book of English carols given to me by my high school choir director. At the time I was disappointed it wasn’t a CD but over time it’s come to mean more to me than anything else I remember receiving.
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 As most of us return to work after the Thanksgiving holiday, I’d like to take moment to reflect before dive we head first into Christmas. Sometime over the past four days, most of us were asked (or at least reminded) to share what we were thankful for. For a brief moment we eschewed material items in favor of our cherished relationships and countless blessings. This, of course, happened just before we headed out to buy a bunch of stuff that we just said didn’t make us happy (more on that in my next post). I am not the first to point out this Thanksgiving paradox (hypocrisy?) that seems to get more exaggerated year after year. The more I think of it, however, the more I am starting to wonder if the problem lies more in the focus of being thankful vs. being grateful.
In reviewing two great articles about the difference between thankfulness and gratitude, I was struck by a common theme: feeling vs. doing. When we say “thank you” or experience being thankful for something – receiving a gift or really great service – we feel good or happy because someone essentially was nice to us. In this instance the relationship is a transactional one: a waiter provides good service and gets a good tip while we enjoy a nice meal and pays for our food – everyone is happy and nothing more is required or expected. We say “thank you” when someone holds the door for us usually never to see that person again. Thankfulness isn’t bad, per se, but it’s a rather shallow experience when compared to gratitude. Most days I try and complete a journal reflection that specifically asks “What are you grateful for?” Some days are harder for me that others, to be fair. But when I think about what truly brings me joy – a sense of happiness or contentment without transaction – I often think of my relationships and opportunities afforded to me…and often it’s the dog or cat. Any pet owner can relate to the unconditional love and affection that they provide. When I consider this love and affection as part of my gratitude, I am compelled to spend more time with them, to pamper them more and to cherish their relatively short time in our family. My feelings of gratitude move me to a place an action to deepen that bond and relationship. Are there areas in your life where you’ve relied more on being thankful but not grateful? Perhaps you’ve limited your investment in a particular relationship or aspect of your life that could use some review. When we stop equating thankfulness with liking something we open ourselves to possibility to true gratitude. Check out the posts from Odyssey and The Wisdom Post and let me know what think! “No.” Such a simple word that has so much baggage. In an age of equivalence, “keeping our options open” and old fashioned indifference, saying no can be a very difficult decision. Whether it’s to an unreasonable request from a coworker, taking a stand for something that’s important to you or denying the impulse to buying a new pair of shoes, deciding not to do something can be more challenging than agreeing to an action. Let’s be clear: saying “no” is a choice – a decision – that often leaves us feeling like a total jerk or completely unsure of what comes next. The difficulty of saying no is that we often frame it as a close-ended option. What if, instead of seeing “no” as a final decision, we begin to view it as a choice to go in a different direction? “No, I can’t lend you $500 dollars but I would be willing to help you figure out how to be more financially secure.” “No, I’m not really up for a visit this weekend but what if we set aside some time to Skype?” “No, I’m not ready to commitment to a relationship but I like what we have right now and really enjoy our time together.” “No, I’m not buying those fabulous shoes. Although I love them they aren’t going to fix my frustrations at work.” Saying “no” doesn’t mean the end, a rejection or failure. It means setting boundaries, limits and offering alternatives. Saying “no” to others can help strengthen your values and being respected. Saying “no” to yourself can be an opportunity to assess what is truly important to you. It’s time to stop seeing “no” as a closed option but rather an opportunity to try a different approach. And if you want some additional thought about how to say “no”, check out this post from lifehacker.   In the shadow of the midterm election, I figured a post about dealing with losses would be fitting as we continue to discuss balance, wellness and maintaining perspective. While I love to chat politics, I am going to keep this a decidedly non-political post.
We all have experienced losing. Whether that be in a competitive sport or musical contest, vying for a promotion at work or even the end of a relationship, losing means that we didn’t get what wanted (or expected) to get. Losing sucks. Below are three ways that might help you process the disappointment and to move forward after a setback.
By owning the loss, taking the “big picture” approach and examining the experience you should be in a better place to continue to pursue your goals and dreams without letting any setbacks or disappointments come between you and the life that you see for yourself. * note: the above is not meant to apply to the death of a loved one or the ending of a long-term relationship. Those losses (and any loss that impedes your ability to carry-out day-to-day living) are best addressed by speaking with a mental health professional.  Most people-regardless of political leanings/party-would agree that American politics and political discourse has entered a new age. Social media has profoundly changed the way we connect, interact and encounter the world. In the aftermath of the 2016 election it is fair to assume that a) social media will continue to be a divisive (and dangerous) element in politics, b) the "election cycle" is now essential endless as evidenced by primary lawn signs in February 2017 and c) people are struggling to balance their need for information and connection in an age of 24/7 info literally in our hands at every waking moment. Five tips for maintaining good mental health in the age of Trump 1. Set media-free periods or days: The new iPhone update allows you to set timers for specific app categories which is great way to set some limits when and how we use our phones....and disable those pop-up notifications! If you're interested in more about balancing life and tech, check out "Bored and Brilliant" by Manoush Zomorodi. 2. Go on a "News Diet." All news media (from the left to the right) thrive on creating a perceived need for constant engagement. Think of how many "breaking news" stories CNN or (gulp!) Fox puts out there every day. Don't listen or watch the news just because it's something to fill the space or time. I prefer NPR's Up First as a quick way to updated in the morning. Something to consider: good old fashioned news papers deliver even better content without the media hype. 3. Join a choir. Okay, maybe you don't sing...but join something with other people that focuses on something that makes you feel good. It doesn't matter if its a local kickball league, a book club or knitting group, research and studies show that being connected to others and having friendship is not only beneficial to our mental health-it is essential. 4. Put pen to paper. Journaling and reflective writing is used by many to help process and organize difficult thoughts and feelings. Take that political worry, anger and fear that occupies precious brain space and put it to paper (or Microsoft Word). The act of of putting our thoughts into written word can help us make sense of what we are thinking and externalize some of that angst and fear. Plus it can help you refine your thoughts so at that next heated debate you're better-equipped to make your point! 5. Vote. Did I really need to tell you this? Yes, I know there is voter disenfranchisement, gerrymandering, suppression and all sorts of nasty, unethical and illegal forces out there. When clients feel powerless, stuck or uncertain about what to do in their lives, I often ask, "What's one thing you could do today that might make a difference?" In this case the answer is simple: VOTE.  Every Thursday in November I am sharing some simple and practical tips for maintaining balance, wellness and perspective. As the days get shorter, the weather gets colder and the holidays approach, it can be helpful to take some intentional time take stock of what matter to you and what is going to keep you healthy and well this coming winter.
November 1: Navigating our current political climate November 8: "I lost. Now what?": Dealing with setbacks and disappointments November 15: Knowing when (and how) to say "No" November 22: Gratitude: more than being thankful November 29: Menorahs, Amazon and a plastic baby Jesus...and how to not hate December I hope you will check back and share your thoughts! Brandon  "Do you think I need therapy?" If you've asked that question to a friend, colleague or family member, chances are that you've had some thoughts, emotions or behaviors that didn't sit entirely well with you. And chances are the response was something along the line of, "Everyone goes through that from time to time."
Whether you've cycled through therapists over the years or assumed therapy was reserved for people who are seriously messed up, I tend to say that if you answer "yes" to one of the following, it wouldn't hurt to reach out to see if some mental health and wellness counseling might help:
Remember, reaching out to a therapist isn’t an automatic commitment for years of therapy. Most therapists are happy to provide an initial consultation so that you can make an informed choice about who you see. I'd be happy to see if my services meet your needs or provide you some additional referrals to explore. Schedule your phone consultation here. And a note to those of you currently in therapy: if you feel that you and your therapist aren’t “clicking” anymore, talk to him or her! I know it can be tough to have that conversation but we’d rather have that talk than to have you sit through session after session feeling disengaged—or to have you just stop coming all together. And for those who like quizzes, check out this online quiz from PsychCentral.  Most of us have experienced that sense of total confusion, deep despair and utter frustration when, suddenly—seemingly out of nowhere—one morning we wake up and realize that our favorite pair of jeans no longer fit. “How did this happen?” we ask ourselves. Once the shock and disbelief wears off, we get angry, blame our spouse for using the high heat cycle on the dryer and consider every possibility for how the jeans magically shrunk. The last possible reason, of course, is that we’ve slacked on exercise, not been watching our diet and gained a few pounds. Eventually, we either decide to move up a size or make some changes in order to get back into those jeans. The reason you might start or return to therapy is basically the same: you’re uncomfortable.
The discomfort I’m talking about is not your everyday “I get annoyed when my spouse doesn’t listen to me” uncomfortable. Just like with unwanted weight gain, we really don’t notice our discomfort until it significantly starts to change the way we act, think and feel. I often tell my clients, “We don’t make changes in our lives until we are sufficiently uncomfortable with the way things are right now.” For example, you may have managed your anxiety on your own for many years—avoiding certain places and people, distracting yourself with TV and food or perhaps enjoying a few extra glasses of wine when the nerves get particularly bad. Those are all coping skills—regardless of whether they are helpful or harmful. At some point you are going to come to a place where the avoidance, distraction and self-medicating start to negatively impact your relationships, work and life. It is at that point where the coping skills become hurtful (maladaptive) and your life becomes sufficiently uncomfortable. This is the point where change can occur. Many of you may not have that exact experience and may be wondering, “Is it time for me to go to therapy (again)?” Exploring therapy might be a good idea if you answer yes to some of the following:
Remember, reaching out to a therapist isn’t an automatic commitment for years of therapy. Most therapists are happy to provide an initial consultation so that you can make an informed choice about who you see. And a note to those of you currently in therapy: if you feel that you and your therapist aren’t “clicking” anymore, talk to him or her! I know it can be tough to have that conversation but we’d rather have that talk than to have you sit through session after session feeling disengaged—or to have you just stop coming all together. I'm a big fan of Gretchen Rubin's "Happier" podcast. She's the author of the book "The Four Tendencies" - a book that I recently read and have incorporated not only into my own life but in my work with my counseling team at work. I heard the podcast on 18 things for 2018 and figured I give it a go...I mean, what do I have to lose? I'm all too familiar with setting New Year's (or anytime of the year) Resolutions only to find myself staring at some ambitious "life-changing" list months after I wrote it thinking, "Who was I trying to kid?" No more resolutions! Rather than focusing on behavior and lifestyle changes, I love the "18 for 2018" concept because it's something I can schedule, do and check off a list. (Side note: it's particularly helpful to list things that I know I have to do because of upcoming obligations.) Take a look at mine and let me know what your "18 for 2018" are...resolutions are so 2017.
We all know what it's like to anticipate a new school year. To most of us, just the mention of "September" evokes a host of of emotions: excitement, fear, hopefulness and uncertainty. I wish the Ancients had set the start of our calendar (or the first school boards) for September instead of January. As children we viewed the start of a new school year as a chance to (finally!) redefine who we were. I remember several points in my life where I really wanted to pronounce my name in French (Beauchamps) rather than the pedestrian "Bee-chum" as I was loathe to accept.
With every binder, pack of pencils and new outfit that we bought in those days leading up to the first day of school, comes a promise and a hope: we can be whatever - whoever - we want to be. I remember going through some old papers and finding a "new school year resolution" of sorts that I had penned sometime in high school. In it, I charged myself with all sorts of lofty things - most notably "having $5 in my wallet at all times." Looking back, it became clear, I had such a distinct vision of who I wanted to be. I didn't have the vision to see who I was, however. We are an aspirational species, us humans - always trying to achieve, accomplish, establish and assert who and what we are. But as I think about it, I'm not so sure that's exactly what we are doing. Striving for a better version of ourselves is something in which I truly believe. But I also believe that we tend to ignore or - even worse - deny who we really are. Google Maps needs to to know my current location in order to get me where I want to be. Somehow, our inner navigational devices tend to skip over that important question. True story (well, all my stories are true): I was about to enter 9th grade - the first year of high school! It was Sunday afternoon (the day before school started) and, earlier that day, I saw someone wearing what I thought was the perfect outfit: white denim shorts with a button-down blue shirt (it was the early 90s after all!). After a fair amount of pleading, my mother and I went out shopping on Sunday evening to find this "magical" outfit for my first day of high school. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the right size of shorts but persisted, nevertheless. My first day of high school was painful. Those white shorts were so tight and uncomfortable - nevermind that they were white and I was afraid to even sit down! - that I never wore them again. On Tuesday I wore something that I felt comfortable in. Isn't it time we stop trying to fit into clothes that we will never wear again? CategoriesAll |
Brandon BeachampMy thoughts and reactions to the world in which we live...completely biased and unfiltered. Archives
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